My Pointless E3 Precdictions

Space Indaver

Sony: “We and Steam had a bit of a fling with Portal 2. Since then we’ve been quietly booty-calling each other, and are finally ready to announce our wedding date. You know that in-home streaming that Steam does now? Starting next week, that will be on PS4 and Vita too. Here’s a trailer for Parappa. *drops mic*”

MS: “We’re pleased to announce Localised Region Locking. Now people in rich neighbourhoods will be forced to subsidise the production of all 7 Halo sequels coming out next year! We give the people what they want.”

Ubisoft: “Here’s an artist’s rendering of what we really hope The Division will look like. Fingers crossed, guys!”

EA: “Mirror’s Edge and Star Wars. You won’t be boycotting a fucking thing, you turds.”

Actual game predictions, since I should probably do those:

  • Last Guardian is a thing that exists, and if they’ve learned their lesson, will be due to come out this year. Realistically, will be out in 2015
  • Red Dead Redemption 2 or an HD remake
  • Uncharted 4 out this year
  • Project Beast is Demon’s Souls 2: Shadow Tower
  • Mario Maker will be cross-platform, and Nintendo’s answer to LittleBigPlanet, with some Warioware DIY thrown in
  • A GTA Stories game will come to Vita. And a “sequel” to Chinatown Wars on 3DS? Too much to ask for in one year?

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